Voldemort's Problem
by FloweredEnchantment
Summary: We all know what Quirrell had to put up with Voldemort living on the back of his head. But did anyone anyone think about what it was like for Quirrell or Voldemort? Warning: Includes Spiders, Wigs, Evil Subplots, and a twisted Soap Opera.
1. Voldemort's Problem

(Voldemort is on the back of Quirrell's head, and Quirrell's trying to go to sleep, but he can't because Voldemort keeps complaining…)

Quirrell: Would you please just go to sleep??

Voldy: You need to sleep on your side, otherwise I'll suffocate.

Quirrell: (Murmurs) Maybe that would be a good thing…

Voldy: SHUT UP YOU FOOL!! Just sleep on your side.

Quirrell: Fine.

(All is quiet for a while, until Voldy says…)

I'm thirsty.

Quirrell: Oh for the love of god!

Voldy: Go get me a glass of water, minion!

(Quirrell gets a glass of water, and sets it on the table beside the bed)

Voldy: Well go get the straw!

Quirrell: (In mocking tone) roll over, bring me water, get the straw, god could you be anymore NEEDY!!??

Voldy: Yes. GO GET THE SRAW!!!

(Quirrell gets a pink fuzzy straw, and put it in the glass, then leans back so Voldy can drink. Voldy is drinking when…)

YOU IDIOT!! I-I'M I- TH- W'TR!! G- ME -OT!! I- IOT!

(Voldy is splashing around in the glass, which has now tipped over from Voldy's maniacal rage)

Quirrell:(Get's up and lays back down on the bed, on his side. It is peaceful until…)

Voldy: Minion I am-

Quirrell: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A/N: I just thought this up one day, while i was VERY bored. :)


	2. The Shower

(When we last left Voldemort and Quirrell, they were in the shower, and Quirrell was about to explain to out dear Dark Lord why he sings in the shower…)

Quirrell: Well…you see, when you found me in that forest, I was actually on my way to an audition for Albania Idol. Everyday I would practice while taking a shower in water that had been through a special ritual done by a Buddhist Monk.

Voldy: So that was what it was…

Quirrell: What was what??

Voldy: I heard this atrocious noise in the forest. I thought it was a dying goat, or some kind of beached flounder. Apparently it was you.

(They are now out of the shower, Quirrell in a purple fluffy bathrobe.)

Quirrell: Are you saying my singing sounds like a dying goat or a beached flounder?

Voldy: Yes, that is exactly what I am saying.

Quirrell: Well maybe if you hadn't been creeping me out, I would have sang better.

Voldy: No, I don't think you would have.'

Quirrell: Must you be so blunt?

Voldy: I am the Dark Lord Voldemort. What else am I going to be? Nice?

Quirrell: Well have you ever give it a try?

Voldy: No, and I don't plan to.

Quirrell: Why?

Voldy: I don't have to explain the complex emotions and thoughts of my inner mind to a mere commoner like you.

Quirrell: FINE! I'M JUST LETTING YOU LIVE OFF THE BACK OF MY HEAD, IS ALL!!

Voldy: Well, it's not like I had much of a choice about who I would share heads with. It was either you, or a goat herder, and quite frankly, I am now wishing I could have gone with the goat herder.

Quirrell: Are you saying I am not a good minion.

Voldy: yes. And another thing.

Quirrell: What is it now?

Voldy: GET THESE DARNED EYE PATCHES OFF OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A/N: I had a little bit of trouble with this chapter, but i hope you like it! please Review!!


	3. Australia Or Greenland?

Disclaimer: I, of course, own nothing. Sucks for me.

A/N: Ok, here is a new little chapter for ya. Hope you like it!

(Quirrell is walking to his classroom, around Christmas. Fred and George are bouncing snowballs off of his turban, and we all know what's under there…)

Voldy: Tell-ouch-those-ouch-darn-ouch-kids to-ouch-STOP!

Quirrell: (Muttering so no one can hear him) no, I don't think I will. I personally kind of like this.

Voldy: Tell them to stop or, when I am Evil Supreme Ruler of the World, I will tell everyone about that incident with peeves and the ink bottles.

Quirrell: (Whips around to face Fred and George) S-stop, or y-you w-will lose f-fifty h-house points!

(Fred and George walk away, grumbling something about "Spoil Sport" and "No Christmas spirit")

Voldy: Good. You have been obeying orders well. I may reward you.

Quirrell: When you are Supreme Ruler of the world, can I be Ruler of Australia?

Voldy: A) It is Supreme EVIL Ruler of the World. You can't forget the Evil part. And B) No. do you really think I would give you as much power as Australia has? You might get Greenland though. MIGHT. If I'm feeling generous…

Quirrell: (Mutters) Well that isn't likely…

Voldy: I HEARD THAT! And no, it isn't likely. I don't really like you all that much.

Quirrell: But you're going to share a head with me.

Voldy: Well, like I said before, it was either you or the sheep herder. And the sheep herder was even dumber, if that is even possible.

Quirrell: You know, sometimes your sarcasm hurts!

Voldy: I'm practicing for my evil banter with Potter. You want me to have good comebacks, don't you? If I didn't I would just be standing there like an idiot.

Quirrell: Well, good evil banter is always good to have handy…

Voldy: My point exactly.

(Quirrell walks away, not noticing two young children that were standing behind him the entire time)

Child 1: Was Professor Quirrell just talking to his turban?

Child 2: I think so. Man, Dumbledore sure has hired a nutter. But I'm sure there won't be any more of those.

Child 1: You're probably right.

(They skip off)

A/N: And there you go! I will probably make another Christmas chapter. Remember to Review!

Just press the little button…

Right there….

SO CLOSE!!!

Flowered Enchantment


	4. Complaints About Quirrell

A/N: This is really just random. Although, really, this entire story has been random…

(Quirrell is think about getting a wig, and decides to look in a wig shop. Voldemort, unfortunately for him, is forced to come.

Voldy: I think we need to talk about some things.

Quirrell: (Looking at a rainbow colored afro) Like what?

Voldy: Well, first off all, this hair thing. It's not going to work.

Quirrell: And why not?

Voldy: A) That size is to small B) The colors are stupid. And B)YOU'VE GOT A DARK LORD LIVING ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD!!

Quirrell: That last one is diffidently not going to stop me. What about this one? (holds up a Mohawk)

Voldy: No. you would look like some kind of freakish hippie/punk combination. Not good. Now, back to me. I've got a list made up-

Quirrell: How could you write a list? You are just a face on the back of my head.

Voldy: SOME of us have the mental capacity to compile lists within our brains. Now, these are in order of most annoying, ten being the least, one being the most. Starting at number ten (Clears throat) Ahem. "Lord Voldemort 's Top Ten Complaints about Professor Q. Quirrel…"

A/N: Ok, I am splitting this up into two chapters, because of I didn't, it would be longer than I want it to. The next Chapter will be up almost right after this one…

If I get at least three reviews.

I'm not asking for a lot here people! Just give me your thoughts, and you get the next chapter. J


	5. Top Ten List of Complaints

_Lord Voldemort's Top Ten Complaints About Professor Q. Quirrell_

_Composed by Lord Voldemort._

_10. He Snores. This is most annoying when I am trying to get my beauty sleep-_

Quirrell: What beauty sleep? You barely have any nose!

Voldy: Would you stop interrupting me?

_9. He hogs the Yahoo! messenger, and the myspace page. _

Quirrell: I do not. And who are you going to text message anyway? All of the death eaters are purebloods.

Voldy: I told them if they didn't IM me, I would get you to crucio them.

Quirrell: And how did you know about it anyway? I thought you grew up in a lavish pureblood wizarding household, with no muggle contact, and five hundred servants, and-

Voldy: Don't ask questions!!!!!!!!!!!! And stop interrupting.

_8. He has bad witty banter. _

Quirrell: What does that have o do with anything???

Voldy: I told you, good witty banter is essential to winning against the good side.

_7 His cell phone ring is annoying and obnoxious. _

Quirrell: That is true…

_6. His singing is a disgrace to the human race, and some species of monkeys. _

Quirrell: Is that your twisted way of saying I sing bad?

Voldy: Not at all…

_5. He teaches Potter. _

Quirrell: You made me get this job!

Voldy: Yes, but you are still associating with the little piece of turtle poop.

Quirrell: Turtle Poop?

Voldy: I am running out of names to call Potter. I am using them all on you! Now shut up and listen.

_4. He doesn't give Potter bad grades when I tell him to. _

Quirrell: I can't do that! Then Dumbledore would suspect something!

Voldy: The man's so old he wouldn't notice if a bat flew up his nose, made a large nest, then had babies.

_3. He listens to bad music. _

Quirrell: I resent that!

Voldy: as well you should.

_2. He doesn't laugh at my Britney Spears jokes. _

Quirrell: I don't care what you say, she has good music.

Voldy: Did you even watch the VMAs?

Quirrell: And you did?

Voldy: I like to stay up to date with the latest in celebrity news…

_1. He got Mr. Cuddles' head bitten off. _

Quirrell: For the last time, the Harp was malfunctioning, so it wasn't my fault that the dog bit off a little bit of his ear!!

Voldy: TELL THAT TO MR. CUDDLES!!! HE IS THE ONE WHO HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THAT INCEDINT!! HE _STILL _HAS NIGHTMARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	6. The One With The Bubbles

A/N: I barely got any reveiws for the last chapter! Come on guys! I need some motivation(Although I really like making this little random story, so I guess I should just use that motivation, but…come on!) SO here's your new chapter. Hoe you like it. And remember REVIEW!!!

Quirrell: So, you really hate all those things about me?

Voldemort: Yes. There are more, but I didn't want to diminish the little bit of self confidence you have acquired.

Quirrell: Thanks….I think.

Voldemort: Once again, you do not know if I am insulting you or if I am complementing you.

Quirrell: Really, I don't know why you HAD to pick ME as your stupid head-sharer.

Voldy: Maybe I should have held a contest.

Quirrell: I think so to.

Voldy: I could have called it "Share a Head With The Dark Lord Voldemort Idol!"

Quirrell: That name is kind of long. H9w would you fit it on a billboard or something?

Voldy: I would…well we could…do…something.

Quirrell: You don't know do you?

Voldy: Of course I know what we would do! The Dark Lord Voldemort knows everything.

Quirrell: You do not.

Voldy: You know, you have been getting very snippy young man. I have black mail on you. BAD black mail.

Quirrell: What black mail could you possibly hold over me?

Voldy: Remember those pictures of Ike's Sleep over.

Quirrell: (Gulps) Yes…

Voldy: I would show them to everyone.

Quirrell: Which ones?

Voldy: The one the one with the bubbles and the dolls…

Quirrell: I am at your beck and call.

Voldy: I am at your beck and call WHAT?

Quirrell: I am at your beck and call Dark Lord Voldemort, Future Supreme Evil Ruler of The World.

Voldy: That's what I THOUGHT you said.

A/N: Well, there you go! I know it might not be as good as my other ones, but they can't all be winners. Please Review!

Please Please Please!

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!

Again, I sound desperate. I should work on that…


	7. He Says He Hates You

(Quirrell is sitting in a chair in his office, with another chair across from him. A small teddy bear, with a purple bow tie, large brown eyes, and one ear missing is sitting in this chair.)

Voldemort: Do it now.

Quirrell: I told you, I refuse to do this.

Voldemort: If you don't do it will absolutely never let you rule Greenland when I am Supreme Evil Ruler of the World.

Quirrell: Greenland isn't worth this.

Voldemort: DO IT!!!!!!!

Quirrell: I am not going to apologize to a stuffed animal.

Voldy: He is not just a stuffed animal! His name is Mr. Cuddles, and he is very angry with you. And so am I.

Quirrell: Fine. What do you want me to say to the thing.

Voldy: He is not a THING! And HE wants you to say you are sorry for almost getting him killed.

Quirrell: (Mumbles something)

Voldy: MUMBLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quirrell: I am sorry I almost got you killed.

Voldy: Say it again, with feeling.

Quirrell: I'm sorry I almost got you killed, Mr. Cuddles. Happy?

Voldy: No. And Mr. Cuddles isn't happy either.

Quirrell: And why not?

Voldy: Let me ask him. Uh huh. Hmm? Yes, I agree. Yes, I'll tell him. He says he knows you don't mean it.

Quirrell: I only said it because you told me to.

Voldy: I know. He says he hates you, and he wished you would die.

Quirrell: He sounds… depressed.

Voldy: (Speaking to Mr. Cuddles) Yeah, I think so too. Mh hm. Yes, I will. (To Quirrell) He says that you would be depressed also if you only had one ear.

Quirrell: It wasn't my fault, it was the Harp.

Voldy: (To Mr. Cuddles) Yeah, I'll tell him that. (To Quirrell) He says your turban looks stupid.

Quirrell: You told me to wear it!

Voldy: No, I suggested the ever stylish "Faux-Hawk" You insisted on the Turban, I , being the wonderful person that I am, agreed.

Quirrell: I will never win an argument with you, will I?

Voldy: Heck no!!!!!!!!!!!!.


	8. The Old Man Likes Lemon Drops?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter blah blah blah.

A/N: I wanted a little interaction between Quirrell and Dumbledore, so that's what this chapter will mainly be about. Enjoy!

(Quirrell is walking down the hallway, when Dumbledore happens to pass by…)

Dumbledore: Well hello Professor. How are you today?

Quirrell: -Acting stuttery- H-hello H-Headmaster. I am j-just f-fine. Y-you?

Dumbledore: I am just peachy. I got in a new order of Lemon drops, and am eager to try a few.

Voldemort: -Muttering to Quirrell- Lemon drops? The man is eager to eat Lemon Drops?? And I'm supposed to be frightened of him?

Quirrell: Y-yes, that d-does sound w-wonderful, h-headmaster.

Voldy: FOOL! Don't agree with the old man! Disagree! You are a death eater for merlin's sake!

Dumbledore: Quirrell, do you hear that odd hissing noise?

Voldemort: LIE! LIE!!

Quirrell: -Very Nervous now- I-'m s-s-sorry, H-headmaster. I- d-d-don't h-hear a-any t-t-thing…

Dumbledore: Hmm. Odd. Yes, well, I must be off.

Quirrell: -having accumulated a slight tick due to his nervousness- g-g-goodbye p-professor.

Dumbledore: -Backing away from Quirrell slowly- Yes. Goodbye now. One more thing, do try to do something about that tick. -walks away-

Voldemort: I hate the old man. I absolutely LOATH him.

Quirrell: I really think you should get off this whole "I hate Dumbledore, must kill Harry Potter" thing.

Voldemort: well, may I point out that the entire reason I am living on the back of your head is because of Potter?

Quirrell: Let's get the little bugger.

A/N: Hope you like it! Please Review!!!


	9. He Might Propose to Potter

A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I love you sooo much, and I love to hear what you think!

(…)

Quirrell: (Pacing in his office) What are we going to do about Potter? The sooner you get off the back of my head, the sooner I can get to Albania for this year's contest.

Voldy: We are going to wait until the right time to strike. It has to be perfect, and has to happen correctly. Everything must fall into place.

Quirrell: You make it sound like we're going to propose to him.

Voldy: Actually, that might not be a bad idea. Maybe we could shock him so much, he would have to go into some kind of rehabilitation center…. One of your better ideas Minion.

Quirrell: I was being sarcastic.

Voldy: So the only time you have a fairly good idea, your not serious?

Quirrell: …Yeah, pretty much.

Voldy: Never mind. You know, we have been going easy on Potter. Maybe we should make him listen to your singing.

Quirrell: Must you be so cruel?

Voldy: Yes. How many times do I need to remind you? I am Lord Voldemort, Future Supreme Ruler of the World. I'm not going to be nice.

Quirrell: You forgot Evil.

Voldy: No I didn't.

Quirrell: Yes you did. I just heard you.

Voldy: No. I. Did. Not.

Quirrell: YES YOU DID!!!

Voldy: You dare challenge Lord Voldemort, Future Supreme Ruler of the World???? Keep this up and you'll never get Greenland.

Quirrell: I am sorry if I offended you.

Voldy: You are not forgiven.

Quirrell: Why am I not forgiven? I thought that was a good apology!

Voldy: I like to hold grudges. I still haven't forgiven Dumbledore for forgetting to give me back my Bunny Slippers.

Quirrell: (Sighs)

A/N: There's an update. I hope to get the next Chapter up soon but alas, things rarely go as planned.

Please please please please please review!!

Wow, that sounded desperate.


	10. Voldy And His Soaps

I am so, _so_ sorry for not updating until now!! I had so much school work, it was just so overwhelming!! Now I feel really guilty for postponing your chapter, so here you go!

Voldemort: Do you have the chips?

Quirrell: (Sighing) Yes.

Voldemort: And the soda?

Quirrell: Yes.

Voldy: And the popcorn?

Quirrell: I HAVE EVERYTHING!! Can we just get this over with?

Voldy: You make it sound like a bad thing.

Quirrell: I have to sit here facing a wall, while you watch your stupid soap opera marathon. This is not my idea of a good afternoon.

Voldy: First of all, they are not _soap operas!!! _They are _dramatic television programs!! _How many times do I have to tell you? Second, I offered to get you a television also-

Quirrell: No you didn't!

Voldy: Don't interrupt the Evil Dark Lord!!! _Anyway! _As I was saying, I offered, but you were all "I don't like those shows" Blah blah blah! _Also, you _have brought this upon yourself! You held up my time talking about ways to destroy Potter, when I wanted to watch the finale of "All my Witches"!

Quirrell: Let's just get this over with.

(Voldy and Quirrell spend the next three hours watching soap operas, ending with Quirrell being very confused about what was happening.)

Quirrell: I didn't understand any of that.

Voldy: How could you not? It was simple.

Quirrell: I didn't get why Veronica broke up with Justin.

Voldy: She was dating Carlito behind Justin's back, and felt guilty, so she ended it.

Quirrell: But what about Sharon? Wasn't she dating Carlito?

Voldy: Yes, but Veronica didn't know.

Quirrell: So Veronica broke up with her boyfriend to date Carlito, who was also dating Sharon?

Voldy: Yes.

Quirrell: Then why did Jacob want to kill Sharon?

Voldy: Because Sharon actually loved Justin, and was only dating Carlito to make him jealous. And Jacob didn't want to kill Sharon, he wanted to kill Maine, Who was in love with Carlito's half brother Xavier, who loved Veronica.

Quirrell: But I thought Carlito's half Brother was Pueblo?

Voldy: No, Pueblo was Cindy's Step-Mother's Cousin's Hairdresser's Third Cousin once removed.

Quirrell: That is just twisted. And wrong. How can you figure out those evil plots?

Voldy: I am the master of Evil Plots. Nothing get's past me. Come on, Minion, you should know this.

Quirrell: So Pueblo wasn't related to Sharon?

Voldy: I GIVE UP!!!

Ok! I tried to make it a little longer this time, to make up for my…long absence. I will try to get the next one up soon. Please don't give up on me!!

Oh yes, before I forget, thanks to Ladyfallsalot and Verop for being my two of my most loyal reveiwers. Kudos to you two!! Well , FloweredEnchantment OUT!!


	11. Turd Furguson

Voldy: Minion, I have an idea.

Quirrell: What is it this time?

Voldy: I have been thinking of some really good insults, and I want to try them out on you.

Quirrell: Fine. Go on.

Voldy: Well, first their's Buttface.

Quirrell: Oh, isn't that mature.

Voldy: I like it. Also, I have Scarface. That one's for Potter.

Quirrell: You can't use it.

Voldy: And what do you mean by that?

Quirrell: Draco Malfoy had it copy righted.

Voldy: Can he do that?

Quirrell: Yep.

Voldy: Remind me to talk to Lucius about that little brat. Anyway, what about…Tito?

Quirrell: Tito?

Voldy: Yes. Tito.

Quirrell: How is that an insult?

Voldy: Oh come on! How is it NOT an insult? I mean, it's so degrading!

Quirrell: Whatever.

Voldy: You seem depressed.

Quirrell: I'm just feeling a little down.

Voldy: May I suggest a calming massage, or maybe a non-alcoholic Mint Julep?

Quirrell: Actually, that does sound nice…

Voldy: It is. Now, back to my names. This one is my favorite. Ok, are you ready?

Quirrell: Ready.

Voldy: Are you sure? Because this is a good one.

Quirrell: I'm sure.

Voldy: Ok, here it is. Turd Ferguson.

Quirrell: Turd…Ferguson?

Voldy: Yes. Turd Ferguson.

Quirrell: That is your great insult?

Voldy: Yes! Just imagine it. You're in the heat of battle, and are exchanging great witty insults with Potter, when all of a sudden, you call him "Turd Ferguson". He won't know what to do!

Quirrell: I don't know…

Voldy: What are you talking about? Turd Ferguson is a great name! It is my personal favorite.

Quirrell: I don't think it is an actual insult.

Voldy: Yes it is. And you have to agree with me, because you are my Minion, and that is what you do.

Quirrell: I cannot wait until you are off my head!


	12. The Spider Might Eat Me!

Voldemort: Oh God. Tell me that isn't what I think it is.

Quirrell: What?

Voldemort: That giant black thing over there.

Quirrell: (Squints at thing) Uh….I think it's a spider.

Voldemort: oh. No. back up, Quirrell! BACK UP, I THINK IT IS COMING THIS WAY!!!!!!!

Quirrell: Are you actually afraid of that tiny little thing?

Voldemort: Tiny? TINY??? That thing is not TINY it is humongously large, and you better hope it doesn't eat us all!

Quirrell: Well, here, let's just kill it.

Voldy: Fine. Go get the bug spray.

Quirrell: (Digs in cabinet) Uh…we don't have any. We could spray him with this though. (Holds up can of air freshener)

Voldy: Oh yes! Maybe the scent of lavender breeze will recall some painful memory for him and he'll commit suicide!

Quirrell: I am going to try anyway. (Starts to walk u to the spider, which is on a chair)

Voldy: Wait! You can't just walk u to it! Then you will never gain the surprise advantage!

Quirrell: Fine. (Mumbles) The things I do, I swear… (Crouches below chair)

(Quirrell is just about to spray the spider when…)

Spider: (Turns around with cute little smile on it's face) Howdy Doo!

Voldy: AHHH!!!!! OH MY GOD QUIRRELL IT IS AN EVIL BLOODSUCKING MONSTER!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!!

Quirrell: WOULD YOU CALM DOWN!!! IT IS JUST A SPIDER!!!!!!!!

Voldy: I THINK NOT!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!!! IT'S COMING THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quirrell: SHUT -

Voldy: AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quirrell: UGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Spider: AHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Spider is so scared it jumps onto Quirrell and Voldemort)

Voldy: _IT IS ON MY FACE!!!!!!!! GET IT OFF QUIRRELL!!!! NOW!!!!!_

Quirrell: What am I supposed to hit it with??

Voldy: GET THAT STICK OVER THERE!!!!

(Quirrell grabs stick and tried to hit the spider, who has already jumped off by now. Quirrell continues to hit Voldy in the face)

Voldy: OW OW OW !!!!!!!!!! YOU NITWIT!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE MISSING IT!!!!

Spider: Get it!!! Hit it!!!!

Quirrell: I can't see back there, how am I supposed to know if I am hitting it???

Voldy: DON'T BE AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!! OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spider: Your missing!!!! Oh! Good shot!!!

Voldy: THAT WAS MY EYE, DUMB BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A/N: And I'm back. Srry for the long wait in-between chapters. I know that sucks, it's just school always seems to be getting in the way!! But, I am on Break right now, so hopefully I can put up…2 more chapters? Don't quote me on this though!

I love you my wonderful reviewers!!!

If you are not a reviewer…don't u want to be loved??????


	13. Ramon El Spider

Voldemort: OK, so after that disastrous incident with the spider, I have had a lot of time-due to the fact that SOMEONE TRIED TO POKE MY EYE OUT WITH A STICK-

Quirrell: You said the spider was still on you!

Voldy: shut up. Anyway, I have had a lot of time to think up evil plans to kill Potter.

Quirrell: Looks very eager. A little TOO eager… Lay it on me!

Voldy: Ok, here we go. You become friends with Potter by giving him a killer dance party mix, then, once he trusts you, you take him to the up-coming annual Hogwarts Scorpion Rodeo. Then, when Potter is distracted, you sneak over to the biggest scorpion, and slip some spicy horse radish into his mouth, making him evil and blood-thirsty.After that, you 'Accidentally' shove Potter into the ring, where he will die a gruesome scorpion related death.

Quirrell:…that is the most convoluted plan I have ever heard.

Voldy" But it is BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!

Quirrell: Why don't we just put Ramón-

Voldy: Who the heck is Ramón?

Quirrell: That is what I named the spider that tried to kill you yesterday. Holds up jar with little holes poked into it, with a little red spider that is absolutely adorable and has multiple eyes

Voldy: AHHH!!!!! OH MY GOD IT IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!

Quirrell: No it won't. Ramón is awesome, and hates Potter just as much as we do.

Voldy: Fearfully opens one eye Really? Why?

Quirrell: You tell him Ramón

Spider (Which from now on shall be known as Ramón): With thick Mexican accent: He stepped on my cousin Leo one week ago. He owed me money.

Voldy: Potter owes you money?

Ramón The Spider: No, Leo did. Now I'll never get it.

Quirrell: See, now he is on our side.

Ramón: Oooh! Can I have a nickname? Like…Ramón The Avenger!!! Yeah…I like it!

Voldemort: hmm…I like it also! Ramón The Avenger! Cool.

Quirrell: Hey! When I asked for a nickname you said no!

Voldy: I like Ramón better.

Quirrell: But you hated him yesterday!

Voldy: Yeah, well, I changed my mind. You gotta problem with that Minion?

Quirrell:…What if I do?

Voldy: Let's just say I know a guy with a really big wrecking ball.

Quirrell: I'm fine with it. Ramón The Avenger is cool.

Voldy: That's what I thought you said. Now, Ramón, do you have any plans for me?

Ramón: Well I got this idea…

A/N: Ooh!!! What is Ramón's plan?? Only I know!!!

……

Or do I?

Review, Review, Review!!


	14. Ramon's Plan

Voldemort: (Into a walkie talkie) OK, are you in place Ramón?

Ramón Spider: I am outside the boys bathroom stall, standing in what looks like cat manure. …

Voldy: So your in place?

Ramón: …Unfortunately yes.

Voldy: good. Now, do you know what to do when Potter comes out?

Ramón: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Quirrell: (acting like and overexcited kid) ooh! Ooh! Can I do my part??

Voldy: (Sighing in an over dramatic way) yes, Minion, you will get to do your part.

Ramón: HE'S COMING!!!

Quirrell: (into walkie talkie) ooh! Tell him I said hi!

Voldy: Shut up!

Quirrell: sorry.

Down in the bathroom

(Harry is washing his hands when Ramón jumps up onto the sink)

Rammon: ELLO!!!! I AM A TALKIN' SPIDA!!!

Harry: AHH!!! (Runs out of bathroom)

Quirrell: (disguised as Dumbledore wearing a speedo) HARRY M'BOY!!!! WHAT IS UP IN THE HIZ HOUSE???

Harry: AHH! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE????

Quirrell: Nuthin' ma main boy who lived!!! I just decided to tryout something a little new here! (Starts to do the electric slide)

Harry: (Muttering) everone has gone mad. Talking spiders…maked electric sliding Dumbledore….the world's gone mad! (Starts to walk away)

Quirrell: (Still as whacked out Dumbledore) Where choo goin'? I was just about to get my groove on!

Harry: That's it. I am going to go take a long nap to ease my apparently now crazed mind.

Quirrell: You do that! (Once Harry walks away, he whispers to his turban) ok, why did I just do that?

Voldy: Because Ramón said that maybe if we whack out Potter enough, he would start to act crazy, then eventually be taken off to the crazy house.

Quirrell: …But didn't I suggest that idea when we first got together?

Voldy: Yes you did Minion, but I like Ramón better, therefore I listen to him more.

Quirrell: I have no respect in this relationship!!!


	15. Losing Ramon

A/N: Ok, so I've had this idea in my head for awhile, but I never got the time to post it until now. Darn school work. One week before Christmas break, and they decided to have us all do projects! Ugh. Well, enough of my complaining. On with the show! 

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Duh.

(Ramon is sitting across from Voldemort, very low in a chair, to where you can barely see him. Voldy is sitting at the head of a very long meeting table. Quirrell is sitting backwards.)

Voldemort: Ahh. Ramon. How have you been?

Ramon: (talking normally) Well. Plotting Potter's demise. You know, the normal thing.

Voldy: Sorry? I couldn't hear you.

Ramon: (talking a little louder) I said, I am doing well, i am plotting Potter's demise!

Voldy: Still can't hear you! What did you say?

Ramon: I SAID I AM DOING WELL! I AM PLOTTING POTTER'S DEMISE!!!

Voldy: Oh. Next time, speak up.

Ramon: (rolls eyes)

Voldy: Anyway, about that whole 'Needed you to destroy Potter' thing. I've been thinking, and well' I'm gonna have to let you go.

Ramon: W-what? But, you can't do this! This is the best paying job I've had in five years!

Voldy: Yeah but, see, that's why I'm firing you. You're bleeding our funds dry.

Ramon: B-but I thought we had something going here!

Voldy: Quirrell, the chart.

Quirrell: (pulls down chart that shows two red arrows on a graph, both going down)

Voldy: Quirrell, the pointy stick.

Quirrell: (points to first arrow)

Voldy: This line shows your productivity. As you can see, it goes down. Quirrell, the other arrow please? Yes, this one here shows our profits. Again, down. You're just not Spider-Death Eater material Ramon.

Ramon: (Bursts into tears)

Voldy: Oh god, why do they all have to bawl. Jim-Bob, Bob-Jim, come take him away!

(Two Big thugs guys come into a room with a jar)

Ramon: (just as the jar goes on him) You can't do this to me! You are going to pay, you hear me! PAY! (the rest is incoherent as Jim-Bob and Bob-Jim take RamСn the former Spider-Death Eater and take him back into a dark alley)

Voldy: ... I think that went pretty well.

Ok, so i've had some trouble with this chapter, because i had to use a diffrent format for it, and it took me forever to get it up here. Thanks to frodogenic for telling me about the problems. You ROCK!!


	16. 31 Flavors

Voldy: Ahh! Diagon Alley! A wonderful place of hustle and bustle! 

Quirrell: Eh. I never liked it all that much to tell you the truth.

Voldy: How could you not love this place??!! It has everything! Although, I have to admit I like Knockturn Alley a little more, but that's just me.

Quirrell: People stare at me.

Voldy: And why wouldn'tthey? You are a single thirty-something year old teacher dressed slightly like a hobo, and wearing a turban! I would stare.

Quirrell: Well. Thank you for that lovely vote of confidence.

Voldy: You are most welcome. Ooh! Ice cream! Go there, now!

Quirrell: But I don't even like ice cream!

Voldy: (in repulsed voice) What kind of sick, disgusting hobo are you?

Quirrell: Ugh. Fine, we'll go into the stupid ice cream parlor!

(They walk into the shop)

Overly Chipper Brunette: HELLO! Welcome to Florean Fortuescue's Ice Cream Parlor! How may I help you?

Quirrell: (Whispering to turban/Voldemort) Which flavor do you want?

Voldy: Hmm. I don't know. I haven't been here in so long. Get a sample of the Caramel Nut Crunch.

Quirrell: (still to turban) Don't get that one it sucks!

Voldy: Oh, and how would you know, Mr. I-Hate-All-Kinds-Of-Ice-Cream

Quirrell: I would know because once when I was eleven-(continues to argue with Voldy)

Overly Chipper Brunette: (Starts to seem a little scared.)

Quirrell: -and that is how I know.

Voldy: Wow. I never knew there were that many ways to torture someone with a spoon and a nut. (Shudders as well as a face with no shoulders can)

Quirrell: DO you still want to get Caramel Nut Crunch?

Voldy: Dear God no! Umm...Brownie Chocolate Mint.

Quirrell: (Asks the Overly Chipper Brunette-also known as OCB- for this flavor)

OCB: (Hands small clear cup with a tiny pink spoon) Here you are!

Quirrell: (stuffs spoon with a bit of ice cream on it up his turban)

Voldy: (licks spoon) Naw. I don't like that one. Try the...Swivel Cherry Pop.

Quirrell: (Does same procedure as before)

Voldy: Egh! NO!

(This same thing goes on until Quirrell has thirty small pink spoons sticking out of the back of his turban. )

Voldy: OK! I have made my decision!

Quirrell: OH THANK THE LORD!!!!

OCB: YES!!!!

Voldy: I will have...Chocolate.

Quirrell: WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST PICK THAT FLAVOR IN THE FIRST PLACE????????

Voldy: Because I had to make sure that that was the exact flavor I wanted! You don't want me to have to eat an entire cone of ice cream that I hate, do you?

Quirrell: I hate you. SO MUCH!

Voldy: So does more than half the wizarding population. I can deal with.

A/N: Well, this is updated a little sooner than usual. I would like to thank Nicole for eating an ice cream snickers bar at lunch a few days ago, giving me the inspiration to write this chapter.

Remember to review, my lovely readers! I love you all!


	17. Neville Longbutt

Voldy: So, Quirrel, I've been thinking-

Quirrell: Oh god, here we go again.

Voldy: ANWAY, as I was saying, I've been thinking-

Quirrell: Don't hurt yourself!

Voldy: Feeling very sarcastic today, aren't we?

Quirrell: Eh.

Voldy: Now, I will speak, and you will worship every word I say. So shut up and worship.

Quirrell: Fine. What were you thinking?

Voldy: I was thinking that I kinda miss that Ramon spider dude.

Quirrell: Ok, let me get this straight: First you hate him, then you love him, then you FIRE him. What kind of relationship is that?

Voldy: The kind I like. Now listen. I thought maybe we should see if he is still in the area. Ya know, try to get him back on our side.

Quirrell: I don't know…

(Ominous music plays, thunder claps, while a door creaks open to reveal…)

Ramon El Spider: (With small, squeaky, voice, and a Cuban accent) And so we meet again, Voldemort.

Silence: (is long)

Voldy: …Well, that was convenient.

Ramon: I have heard you are in need of my…services again.

Quirrell: No, I think he is just bored, and since All My Witches was canceled-

Voldy: I never even found out is Carlito ends up with Jessica or Veronica! How could they do this to me??

Quirrell: Oh shut it with the whining! We have more important things to do!

Voldy: (sniffling) I'm okay, I'm okay. So Ramon. What have you been up to since I fired you?

Ramon: I took a trip through Alaska to visit some family, but decided to come back to Hogwarts. I've been scaring some little boy. Neville Longbutt or something, I don't know. But the thing is, after awhile Longbutt has decided he is not scared of me anymore. Here's the deal: You help me scare Longbutt, I help you with whatever. You with me?



Voldy: Boy, are we ever! We are masters at scaring Longbottom! Quirrell, do you know where the supplies are?

Quirrell: Got 'em right here: One jar of mayonnaise, a pickle, ten feet of brown string, and a picture of his grandmother in a bikini.

Voldy: Let's get going.

Ramon: Oh this is gonna be good.

**Wooo! New chapters always make me happy… Reviews make me happy too. More reviews, more chapters-it's good for all of us! **


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